The NOTES
by LM1991
Summary: I decided to write this so I can practice my writing skills – so, randomness, describing things and keeping my characters in-character. It's mostly for my own use, I'm just posting it so you can point out mistakes or laugh at my ridiculousness.
1. Chapter 1

**The NOTES: Looking for Inspiration**

**Written by: LM1991**

**Disclaimer: **Anything at all that seems familiar is not owned by me. Seriously. No. It's not mine. The plots are, though!

**Summary:** I decided to write this so I can practice my writing skills – so, randomness, describing things and keeping my characters in-character. Any characters not recognized are mine. It's mostly for my own use, I'm just posting it so you can point out mistakes or laugh at my ridiculousness. Or the other way around… (Point out my ridiculousness and laugh at my mistakes…?)  
>Let's go with both of them.<br>Enough with the summary – start the writing of the fic!

**NOTE**** 1: PROVERBS**

_A short summary for note 1:_ Let's start with exploiting some possible misunderstandings of English proverbs, or taking them too literally. A - Z, one or two for each letter… That's gonna be one heck of a first chapter.

**Proverb 1: Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.**

Arthur Gecko was many things. The most special and exciting thing was, by far, that he was a mountaineer.

The most boring and unexcitable thing was that he was a stamp-collector, but that's beside the point.

Yes, Arthur was a mountaineer – the most tough climber of overlarge hills with snow on the top the world had ever seen.

And he had to prove it too. To his wife. To his children. To the mailman. To – well, basically to everyone in the world.

Today, November 29th, 2011 was a day for proving his worth. Again.

He had given an interview for the local and the national newspaper, for the 20:00 o'clock news and for a small weird man with a beard, but he was just a passer-by, so he didn't count. Now he was ready for the climb.

He checked his gear, swung his pick into the nearest rock and started climbing.

It took a long time, but he got to the top. Sighing happily, he sank on a rock. He didn't stay happy for long.

It was _freezing_ here! He jumped up with a yell, and then glanced around to see if anyone had heard it – no. He fought with himself – he had to prove his worth by staying up here for more than a day!

So, grumbling, he sank down on the rock again and told himself that this was just a show of character.

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**Proverb 2: ****Act today only, tomorrow is too late.**

A frustrated scream woke up a whole neighbourhood in the middle of the night. The zooming in of a camera showed the screamer – a professor wearing his lab coat and a nightcap. And under that his normal clothes, of course.

The professor punched the table in frustration – and promptly pulled his fist back to 'shake' the pain out and to blow at it. Cursing, he turned towards his invention – or, eh, failed invention, and muttered angrily to himself.

"Only two minutes to midnight, which is technically the start of tomorrow… and I can't finish this! Damn you, proverb!"

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**Proverb 3: ****Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.**

Nicole was followed by whistling or jeering men wherever she went. Each and every time she walked through the city, the male population called out to her.

"'Ey pretty!"

"C'mere, sweet-cheeks!"

"Come with me, I'll show you what a _real _man's like!"

She had enough. Absolutely enough. Shaking in fury, she turned around and set her sights on the man who had called out that last bit. He grinned smugly at her, mistaking her glare at him for a glance of barely restrained passion.

She strode towards him in a hurry, cried out a, "I'll put my beautiful _fist_ in your _eye_!" and punched him straight in the face.

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**Proverb 4: Clothes make the man.**

"Honey! Are you wearing clothes?"

"No, ma!"

"What are you, a toddler who's toddling around naked? Go, put on some clothes _right now_, young man!"

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**Proverb 5: Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.**

Leslie was a pessimistic old lady. The day she received she news that she had a fatal illness was the day she started digging her own grave with her knife and fork, just so she could prove that old proverb _wrong_.

_In your face,_ she thought, when she had finally finished the grave. She was proud of it.

Until… a young man came running up to her.

"E-e-excuse me, ma'am!" he said, gasping for breath. "We've received an important message from the hospital – there's been a mistake, ma'am! You're not suffering from a fatal illness, but your neighbour Mrs. Andel is! You're not dying, ma'am!"

Leslie stared at the beaming young man, and then at her grave.

"Damn it all…" she muttered. "That old proverb's right… I should have dug the grave with the nurse's knife and fork, not my own… Now my knife and fork are all dirty!"

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**Proverb 6: ****(Couldn't find a good one for E… we'll skip to the F)**

**Forewarned is forearmed.**

"I'm warning you!" the king shouted.

The fool grinned and decided to make a joke out of it. He started waving his arms in front of him.

"Know that verb? Look! I'm wavin' my arms, I'm wavin' them in front of me! See? Forearms!"

Unfortunately, he didn't stop to think about the irony to the statement, the proverb, and then his beheading.

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**Proverb 7: ****Green leaves and brown leaves fall from the same tree.**

"Yes, in two different seasons of the year!"

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**Proverb 8: ****He doesn't boast who does the most.**

Oh, I know why, I know why!

He can't boast because he's doing the most! In other words, he's just way too busy to boast!

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**Proverb 9: ****It's a blessing in disguise**

Rick's TV show had accepted a challenge to interpret a particular proverb… 'It's a blessing in disguise'. Rick and his audience just had to wait for the actor who would do it to show up…

And he did. Someone in a ninja suit came jumping out from under the stage and then ripped of his suit leaving him… in a Robin Hood suit.

Silence. Then…

"Ooooh. I get it! Robin Hood was a blessing to the poor folk, and he was in disguise!"

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**Proverb 10: ****(Nothing for J. Skipping to K.) Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.**

Oh yeah… if you happen to have an argument with your friends and they're turning violent, you can just grab one of your enemies and use him as a shield! If you're lucky you'll lose one enemy at the end of your argument.

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**Proverb 11: ****Love is blind.**

It certainly is when you're a mole. And, eh, blind.

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**Proverb 12:**** More haste less speed. (Warning: use of drugs.)**

"When you're supposed to learn for an exam and take it the following day you're not allowed to take speed, young man!"

"…Oh."

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**Proverb 13: ****Never say never.**

"Never say never? …Oh damned, I said never! …_Again!_ What's the use of a proverb with two nevers in it if it's the point that you can't say never…"

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**Proverb 14: ****Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.**

"So we should, like, honour our legs which help us stand up every time we fall? …Respect the Legs!"

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**Proverb 15: Paddle your own canoe.**

"You heard the proverb!" shouted James. "No paddling in my canoe!"

"But it's a two-people canoe!"

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**Proverb 16: ****Reality is often stranger than fiction.**

"Wait… what? What about comedy, or science-fiction? Who came up with this proverb? An unimaginative bastard?"

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**Proverb 17: ****Seek and ye shall find.**

David had lost his keys, and, thanks to the day's proverb, was looking for it.

Under the coach.

In his pocket.

In the fish's tank.

But he found nothing! Nothing at all!

He grumbled. "Stupid proverb… I can't find my keys, even if I'm searching!"

Just then his wife came in and saw him looking under the bed – she also happened to hear him. She cleared her throat.

"Ahem… maybe it's also about the _person _who looks… I'd advise you to check the key hanger... but you know, things to find, people to advise where to look…"

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**Proverb 18: ****There is no arguing with the barrel of a gun.**

Jack ended up staring into the barrel of a gun after a lot of drinking.

The one behind the barrel squinted at him angrily and grunted, "There ain't no arguing with the barrel of a gun, punk!"

Jack grinned drunkenly and stared at the two men with the guns. He choose to point at the left one in a masterly display of a know-it-all. "There is," he slurred, "When you've only got the barrel of the gun and… not a bullet! 'Cuz I took it! Byez!" And Jack strode off with that.

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**Proverb 19: Use it or lose it.**

This proverb was probably made up by someone who lost his things all the time and had to use them all the time so as not to lose track of his things. Or something.

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**Proverb 20: V****irtue which parleys is almost a surrender.**

"There will be no negotiating over my morals!" Esmé said loudly, grunting and crossing her arms.

"Oh, come on, Es!" Susan begged. "Just wear it – it's a skirt for God's sake, not a thong!"

"It is to me!"

"Oh Esmé… you can't go around looking like an old lady. You're only fifty for goodness' sakes," Susan needled. Esmé growled. "C'mon, do it for me." Esmé gave up and wore the skirt anyway. Voila! A surrender!

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**Proverb 21: W****alk the walk and talk the talk.**

Wouldn't it be really difficult to walk the talk and talk the walk?

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**Proverb 22: Y****ou always admire what you really don't understand.**

The ten-year-old stared at a painting on the wall.

"Oh," he breathed. "How beautiful! …What's it meant to picture? I'd guess it's modern art…"

The camera zoomed out to show a painting of a child sticking out his tongue as if to say, 'ha, you can't figure out the meaning of my painting!'.

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**A/N: Can't find proverbs for the letters left, so we'll keep it like this. I KNOW some of the Proverb-pieces are short and some of them are completely ridiculous. Find it in your heart to laugh… remember the summary!**


	2. Chapter 2

**The NOTES: Looking for Inspiration**

**Written by: LM1991**

**Disclaimer**: Anything at all that seems familiar is not owned by me. Seriously. No. It's not mine. The plots are, though!

**A repeat of the Summary:** I decided to write this so I can practice my writing skills – so, randomness, describing things and keeping my characters in-character. Any characters not recognized are mine. It's mostly for my own use, I'm just posting it so you can point out mistakes or laugh at my ridiculousness. Or the other way around… (Point out my ridiculousness and laugh at my mistakes…?)  
>Let's go with both of them.<br>Enough with the summary – start chapter two!

NOTE 2: IDIOMS

**Idiom 1: A bitter pill to swallow.**

"Eh… I've gotta take this?" the child asked hesitantly, looking at the large pill he held in the palm of his hand. The adult in front of him nodded solemnly as if the child, known by the name Paul, would be taking his one-way ticket (the pill) to the next life.

Paul shuddered at the idea. But hey, it was an adult, so he knew best, right?

He swallowed it and promptly choked at the bitter taste.

"BLEH! Blargh! Ewwww! Oh, gross!" Paul shouted, rubbing his tongue furiously over his sleeve to get rid of the taste, looking a little like a cat washing itself. "Gaaaaaaaaaaaah! I'ff goff shirff stuff om my tomgue!"

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**Idiom 2: As fit as a fiddle.**

"That's a good thing… if the one with the fiddle is a decent fiddler."

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**Idiom 3: As right as rain.**

"The rain's falling on the left side of the house, mommy! This rain's not right at all! …Oh, wait, that's water that's falling off the roof, not rain…"

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**Idiom 4: As nutty as a fruitcake.**

"But… but… it's a _fruit_ cake! That's not nutty at all!"

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**Idiom 5: Be off one's trolley.**

"Get off the trolley, dear!" the lunch lady shrieked at a young girl who had climbed up her trolley.

"But I don't wanna be off my trolley!" the girl whined, holding on even tighter.

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**Idiom 6: Bite the dust.**

"Bite it! Bite it!" a group of young boys chanted at another boy, who was holding a little bit of dirt in the palm of his hand. The boy stared at it. Then he stared at the boys surrounding him.

"Why?" he questioned.

…

The boys glanced at each other. One boy cleared his throat.

"Eh… because the idiom says so?" he said hesitantly.

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**Idiom 7: Cat amongst the pigeons.**

"Oh," the cat sighed dreamily, while standing in the middle of a flock of pigeons. "I'm in heaven… or at a buffet. Either one."

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**Idiom 8: Fall off one's perch.**

"So, how's ol' Earl?" Billy the vulture asked his friend.

The friend, another vulture, shrugged. "He's growin' old, Billy. He's going blind and can't see a thing, but pretends otherwise. Whaddaya expect, those goats are way too stubborn, I'm tellin' ya."

"What, you mean he could -" the friend-vulture tried to say, but he was interrupted by a scream that was coming from above.

"Aaaaaah!" the screamer screamed. A second later the blind goat, Earl, who they had been talking about, fell past the vultures and down.

Billy and his friend followed the goat's fall with their eyes until he went _splat_ into the ground.

Billy's friend grinned at Billy. "So, fancy a few goat spare-ribs from a goat who fell off his perch?"

"Sure," Billy nodded, and both the vultures flew down. "Oh, I love the combination of blind goats and a mountain…" he told his friend on the way down, which was a lot calmer than the way Earl took just a few seconds ago…

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**Idiom 9: Feel under the weather.**

Adriana sniffed, grabbed a tissue and wiped her nose. "Ugh, I feel so under the weather…" she croaked softly. Not soft enough, because her younger colleague came in and did what she was best at: drooling on their colleague the weatherman.

"Oh yeah," the younger woman sighed. "I feel so under the weatherman…" She noticed Adriana staring at her. "Oh, you… didn't mean… that…? …Oh."

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**Idiom 10: Get off one's high horse.**

"Get off that high horse, Richard de Lioncourt IV!" someone shouted at poor Richard.

Hurt, he turned towards that person. "You want me to fall off…?" Richard asked timidly. "That's not nice… I don't want you to fall off your shoes either…"

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**Idiom 11: Give someone a dose of their own medicine.**

Imagine, the doctor thought. Just imagine stuff like this happening to everyone all the time… He looked down at the young girl's hands, that were holding a dose of her medicine under his nose and trying to force him to eat them. She took the whole thing about giving someone a dose of their own medicine a little bit too literally, he observed.

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**Idiom 12: Hold your horses.**

"Yeah, John! Hold onto your horses! Else they can run off! Like they did now, John!"

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**Idiom 13: It's no good crying over spilt milk.**

"Whyyyyy! Why did I have to spill the miiiiiiiiiiilk!" the thirteen-year-old cried desperately into his hands. "Why, mom, why?"

His mom merely stood there with her hands on her hips. "It's no good crying over spilt milk, Rob," she told him. "Not if you can just go to the store to buy some new milk. So chop-chop!"

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**Idiom 14: No room to swing a cat.**

"Remember that old idiom?" Ron drawled, grinning deviously at his sister. "'There's no room to swing a cat'? You say that that idiom fits your room perfectly… Let's test that theory."

"No hurt the kitties!" Ron's sister shouted in shock.

Ron sighed. "No, no, I'm using a stuffed plushie one."

"…Oh. It's not mine, right?"

"No."

After, ah, _comforting_ his sister, Ron grabbed a stuffed plushie and started to swing it in his sister's room, deliberately avoiding the walls by making a few quick turns with his arms.

"See?" he shouted at his sister and grinned at her stunned face when he just missed the wall to the left. "There _is_ room to swing a cat! So no moving to the attic for _you_, sis!"

=====================omg, it's another line!============

**Idiom 15: On the road to recovery.**

"You know, it's funny. We're on a literal road to your recovery," Dennis chuckled, smiling at his younger brother who he was bringing to the hospital so the doctors could fix the boy's broken leg.

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**Idiom 16: Pop one's clogs.**

There was the sound of two somethings being banged against each other in the air. Puzzled, Troy stared at a young girl that was making the sounds by banging two clogs against each other, looking quite frustrated.

Now curious, Troy approached her. "Hello," he greeted. "Why are you banging those two clogs against each other?"

"I am trying to make these clogs make a pop-sound, but they're only making a boring _bang-_sound," the girl replied through gritted teeth whilst banging the clogs against each other again and again.

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**Idiom 17: Recharge one's batteries.**

"That's what you do with batteries, yes. But what if one of those stupid little toy cars don't even _run on electricity_ but, oh, I dunno, depend on how hard you push them?"

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**Idiom 18: The lights are on, but nobody's home.**

"They should be ashamed of themselves," Mrs Adams whispered to Mrs Marple. "The lights are on, but nobody's home."

"An electrical waste, that's what it is," Mrs Marple agreed.

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**Idiom 19: Time is money.**

"Look!" the desperate homeless man shouted. "I'll swap you my watch for some money! Please! I'm desperate!"

Yeah, a watch is to see time with, so a watch is time, and if you sell your watch, you'll get money, so time is money. It's not only money-ology, it's math!

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**Idiom 20: Tip of the iceberg. (No offense meant.)**

The majestic, giant, overgrown _boat_ known as the Titanic navigated through the giant icebergs. The crew probably didn't have any common sense, but hey, if people want to navigate a giant ship through an icy landscape – er, waterscape… - of icebergs… it's their own choice.

The ship sailed and sailed (without a sail, mind you) and miraculously didn't hit anything. When the crew started dancing a triumph jig, however, they bumped against an iceberg.

"Alright!" the captain shouted, pointing at the tip of the iceberg, while everyone jumped ship, all in favour of _ice cold water_, "Who put that there?"

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**Idiom 21: Yanking your chain.**

_Yank!_

"Ow!"

_YANK!_

"Oooooow! Quit yanking my chain!"

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_**A/N:** Not as long as the last one, but alright. I know some of these notes are completely RIDICULOUS. Tell me what you think!_


	3. Chapter 3

NOTE 3: REMAKE OF CLASSING FAIRYTALES or THE RUINING OF FAMOUS FAIRYTALES

**The NOTES: Looking for Inspiration**

**Written by: LM1991**

**Disclaimer**: Anything at all that seems familiar is not owned by me. Seriously. No. It's not mine. The plots are, though!

**A****repeat****of****the****Summary:** I decided to write this so I can practice my writing skills – so, randomness, describing things and keeping my characters in-character. Any characters not recognized are mine. It's mostly for my own use, I'm just posting it so you can point out mistakes or laugh at my ridiculousness. Or the other way around… (Point out my ridiculousness and laugh at my mistakes…?)  
>Let's go with both of them.<p>

_On to chapter 3!_

**Classic fairy tale 1: Romeo & Juliet**

"She's dead!" Romeo wailed, holding onto the 'dead' body of his loved one. He made a sad noise that sounded a lot like an elephant blowing its nose and buried his face in her hair. "Oh, she still smells like her… how she will be missed!"

Juliet's cousin Tybalt approached the dramatically grieving young man, kneeled next to him and grabbed his cousin's wrist. He took out his pocket watch and seemed to count something. He stood up after this strange display.

"Quit whining, Romeo," Tybalt sneered. "She's got a pulse. Meaning, in the language of the dumb – your language – that she's alive."

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**Classic fairy tale 2: Hans and Gretel**

After the two children had heard their parents talking about financial problems and their need to leave them (Hans and Gretel) in the woods, they decided to report their parents to the Child Care Centre, along with that weird old lady that lived in the most unhealthy candy-shack the two had ever seen.

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**Classic fairy tale 3: Sleeping beauty**

The prince sneaked up to the tower where, he knew, a sleeping princess had to lie. He had hacked at the thorned roses to get in the castle (he wondered if the gardener was one of the sleeping servants on the first floor, or if he had run off as soon as he could) and he was happy he'd go home with a princess on his arm.

He reached the princess' room, took a deep breath, stepped into the room and up to the princess' bed, took a moment to appreciate her beauty and leaned down to kiss her full on the lips. She woke up and stared at him. He smirked back.

"Hello, princess," he said smoothly. Time for the royal speech. "We are the prince that saved you from eternal sleep! Legend says you must marry me."

Instead of childish excitement and the 'yes' for an answer he had been waiting for, the princess snorted.

"To hell with legend!" she shouted, very unladylike. "You ruined my rose bushes and my beauty sleep! Get lost!"

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**Classic fairy tale 4: Cinderella**

"To who does this glass slipper belong to?" the prince asked the assembled crowd of the girls of the kingdom.

He glanced amongst their ranks and certainly spotted a few pretty ones (he hoped it was one of them) and stepped towards them so they could try it on. Only, he tripped and he dropped the _fragile __thing __made __of __glass!_

CRACK.

"…Oops."

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**Classic fairy tale 5: Red Riding Hood**

"Grandma, you're so hairy," said the little girl.

"Didn't shave my legs today, my dear," the wolf croaked.

"Grandma, what a long muzzle," the young girl observed.

"I'm an old woman, of course there's some stretch in the skin…"

"Grandma, what big teeth you have."

"That's so I can EAT you better…!" the wolf shouted, and he jumped at her. Or, he wanted to, and certainly tried to, but the girl interrupted him.

"No, no!" the girl shouted. "I mean they're dirty!"

Confused, the wolf stopped short. "What?"

"How long has it been since you've been to the dentist, grandma?" Red Riding Hood asked. The wolf stared at her. "Probably a long time, judging by your puzzled stare. Don't worry, grandma!" the girl said, while patting her 'grandma' kindly on the hand. "I've done a crash course for a dental education!"

Later the wolf would deny his friends that they had seen him running from a small girl with dentist tools, while he was crying desperately.

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**Classic fairy tale 6: Rumpelstiltskin (have done only this translation to the song)**

Rumpelstiltskin was in the safety of his own house (not so safe, actually, because a servant of the princess was listening at the door) and was singing out loud.

"To-day I bake, to-morrow I brew, the day after that the queen's child comes in, and oh! I'm glad that nobody knew, that the name I am called is – whoa!" He interrupted himself. "Almost sang my name. Must remember to be careful."

The whole story went wrong after that.

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**Classic fairy tale 7: Snow White**

"Do you want an apple, dear?" the old woman croaked, holding up an apple to Snow White.

"No thanks," Snow White said politely. "I never eat apples on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. And not at night either."

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_**A/N:**Done. Please leave a review? Please not stuff like 'this is ridiculous'. This is a parody, it's supposed to be ridiculous!_


	4. Chapter 4

NOTE 4: THE ART OF RUINING A PERFECTLY FINE STORY

**Story 1: Harry Potter**

**Harry Potter and the question of 'why can't a **_**hero**_** do it?'**

Harry Potter had just heard something no teenager should ever be told, less expected to do. So of course it was perfectly understandable that he was staring at the person who had told him a prophecy foretold that only he, Harry, could kill Dark Lord Voldemort; Albus Dumbledore.

He and Dumbledore stared at each other a little longer, which should make the reader wonder about the quality of their eyesight… then again, both of them wore glasses.

Harry moved first – or his stammering mouth did.

"I… I'm expected to _kill_ an _old man_?"

Dumbledore nodded gloomily. "For the greater good," the bearded one said. "I'm sorry, Harry, but it was in the prophecy. You're the one with the power to vanquish him."

Harry didn't say anything for a while. Then…

"Are we all out of heroes, sir?"

**Story 2: Twilight**

**What Stephanie Meyer **_**should**_** have written.**

Bella Swan peered over the edge of the cliff. It was a long way down. The despair filled her and she took a step towards the edge –

"Jump! Jump! Jump!" three voices chorused suddenly. Bella whirled around and saw a few beta readers standing there. She recognized them by their sceptical looks.

"Go on then!" Beta Reader #1 said. "Jump! Leave an impression on the impressionable minds of teenage girls who will read this book!"

"Yeah!" a second one piped up. "I can imagine the reviews for the book already… 'Stephanie Meyer Writes… The Lesson of the Day by Bella Swan: 'jump off a cliff when your boyfriend breaks up with you!''"

"It would cause such a _scandal_," Beta Reader #3 sighed dreamily. "The media would be _so happy_."

**(A/N: Lesson of the Day by LM1991: Don't follow the Lesson of the Day by Bella Swan. Thank you!)**

**Story 3: Finding Nemo**

"Nemo!" Marlin shouted, grabbing onto his son's fin before he could swim off towards the 'butt'. "School is too dangerous! Come on!"

"But – but dad…!"

It actually went like this, but movies like these just wouldn't sell…

**Story 4: James Bond**

"Shall I tell you what I have planned, Bond?" the villain asked.

"No!" someone (probably a minion) shouted. "Don't, sir! You'll only give him another reason to escape!"

The evil madman paused. "…What's the other reason?"

"The girl you kidnapped – you might want to let her go, sir. She's the symbol of his not-so-lonely-hero-anymore status."

**Story 5: Inkheart**

In Capricorn's village something unexpected happened.

"We're on a strike, we're on a strike!" a loud chorus… chorused. A large group of people came into view and marched down the streets, chorusing their chorus. Other people stared after them, hiding in the relatively safety of their houses.

The large group came to a halt in front of Capricorn's '_palace_'. Dark clouds covered the sun and cast the group in ominous shadows.

"We're on a strike, we're on a strike!" they chorused. The front door slammed open and out stepped Capricorn with Basta on his heels.

"What is this madness?" Capricorn demanded. "This is not Sparta, go home!"

"We're on a strike, we're on a strike!"

"…Yeah, but wh-" Capricorn tried.

"We're on a strike, we're on a strike!" the group interrupted.

"But I -"

"We're on a strike! We're on a strike!"

"AAGH! At least have the decency to let me fini -"

"WE'RE ON A STRIKE, WE'RE ON A STRIKE!"

**Story 6: HP  
>Why don't we stick a few swords into him?<strong>

"So Voldemort made seven Horcruxes?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes Harry. And we have to find them and destroy them -"

"Couldn't we just launch attacks on Voldie himself?" Harry asked unexpectedly and rather rudely.

"…What?"

"Can't we just stick a sword or two into him? Y'know, instead of the wild goose chase for the Horcruxes that will probably lead to the death of one of us… It will be a lot more fun and it will make me feel considerably better."

**Story 7: HP  
>What Harry should have said<strong>

"Harry, I'm sorry, but you'll have to kill Voldemort. It's for the best -"

"Get lost, you manipulative old coot!"

**Story 8: A crossover. Jungle Book, POM, Aladdin.  
>The club of the snakes<strong>

"Why mussst snakes alwaysss be portrayed as the bad guysss?" Kaa the boa constrictor hissed sadly. "Can't be blamed for wanting to eat sssomething, can I?"

Savio nodded along with his colleague snake and joined the discussion with his suave Brazilian voice: "You are completely right, my friend. That'sss the way nature made usss and what do our prey do? Complain, complain, _put a penguin in a monkey suit _and_ complain_."

Jafar, who was there completely by accident, it seemed, stared at the club of the snakes, and then at his snake-staff and his own snakey appearance.

"Oh…" he mumbled. "My famous 'I'll show you how sssnake-like I can be'-line comes back to haunt me…"

**Story 9: Twilight  
>May the whiny bitch get what heshe deserves**

Edward stamped his feet like an immature two-year-old and grabbed his wannabe girlfriend by the shoulders.

"We can't be together, Bella!" he said, trying to be noble, but sounding like the whiny brat he was. "It would be like a lion and a lamb -"

"Wait," Bella interrupted. "Are you saying my hair is poofy? How dare you!"

_SLAP._

Edward stared at her, realised what he had just said, realised he had just called his own hair poofy too and shrieked in horror. Then he self-combusted so he could never think that horrible thought again.

**Story 10: Star Wars  
>Child abuse to the max<strong>

"Luke… I am your father."

"Nooooo!"

"I know it is difficult for you -" Vader tried to say, but Luke interrupted with a loud,

"I don't care if you're my father or not, the point is that you cut off my hand! NOT nice! I'm reporting you to the authorities!"

**Story 11: Dumbo  
>A little bit more realistic<strong>

"Fly, Dumbo, fly!" Timmy the mouse encouraged. The young elephant tried, but the fact remained that huge ears that weren't made for flying tried to get an even huger elephant body up into the air.

Dumbo sighed, gave up and called up to the mouse: "It isn't gonna work! We need, oh, a couple of thousand helium balloons!"

But, seeing that the drawers from Disney didn't want to draw a thousand or so balloons, they changed the story a little. Honestly, who'd ever want to watch a movie about an elephant hanging beneath a lot of balloons? The balloons would get the best role. Nobody ever got any fame for drawing stupid _balloons_.

**Story 12: Harry Potter  
>What if…?<strong>

Harry wasn't sure what made him do it. He wasn't even aware of deciding to do it. All he knew was that his legs were carrying him forward as though he was on casters and that he had shouted stupidly at the snake, "Leave him alone!"

The snake only looked up at him.

"Why can't you sssshout at ssssomeone your own size?" it said, hurt, and then slithered off towards a place where people would hopefully be nice to it, muttering something along the lines of, "I learn a language and what do I get? Thisss. Humansss. Egomaniacssss, the lot of them."

_**(A/N): **__Well, that's the end of chapter 4. Wasn't that FUN?_


	5. Chapter 5

**The NOTES: Looking for Inspiration**

**Written by: LM1991**

**Disclaimer: **Anything at all that seems familiar is not owned by me. Seriously. No. It's not mine. The plots are, though!

**Repeat of the Summary:** I decided to write this so I can practice my writing skills – so, randomness, describing things and keeping my characters in-character. Any characters not recognized are mine. It's mostly for my own use, I'm just posting it so you can point out mistakes or laugh at my ridiculousness. Or the other way around… (Point out my ridiculousness and laugh at my mistakes…?) Let's go with both of them.

**NOTE 5: MULTIPLE SHORT ONE-SHOTS**

**Dragons and princesses, but different.**

It started out as an innocent hobby. Kidnap one princess. Just to have somebody to talk to, but the dragon had to admit it got all out of hand when the princess didn't seem able to speak Dragonese. In fact, she only seemed able to scream; it hurt his poor ears.

When the prince got into his tower and went after him with a sharp poker, the dragon had enough. He beat his mighty wings and fled the tower, being called names like 'rotten, ugly flying lizard' by the prince.

_Puh, _the dragon thought. _I'm not calling __**him **__a 'beardy, dirty iron hauling twolegger'._

You are in your head, dear Dragon.

A month full of cold, lonely… loneliness later the dragon decided to kidnap another princess. This would be his last one, he promised himself, not unlike a woman who told herself this would be the last cookie. To make it easier for himself, he had forgotten about the fact that princesses couldn't speak Dragonese and just screamed like a couple of maids, very strange since they were _princesses._

He peeked through a lot of castle windows before he found a princess to his liking. Red hair, golden tiara and a blue dress. Very clearly a princess.

"Let's go and babble!" he cried happily in his growly, Dragonese language, rammed through the window, patted the broken glass off himself and waddled over to the princess with the intention to pick her up – WHACK! The dragon recoiled with widened eyes and with one paw over his maw. She hit him! Straight on the mug!

"Owww!" he cried and glanced at the princess with sad eyes. "Why'd you _**do**_ that?" The princess raised her hand again and the dragon back-pedaled so fast that he bumped against the wall behind him. "Don't hit me!" he squeaked, hiding his eyes under his paws and shaking in fear.

"You broke my favourite window!" someone said from the princess with the raised hand's direction. The dragon peeked through his claws. There she stood, her hand poised to strike again and with tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry," the dragon whispered timidly.

The princess didn't understand a word of it, of course, kicked the dragon out of the castle and went to pick up a new window, with the tears still in her eyes. After that, the poor dragon only talked to stuffed animals, pebbles, other dragons and a wizard now and then.

-line-

**The illegal alligator**

"What are you doing in the house of the wicked witch, child?" a woman's voice shrieked.

Susan looked up and saw the owner of the shrieking voice run at her, waving her hands about frantically. The shrieker wore a black dress decorated with cobwebs, Susan noticed.

The woman stopped in front of Susan, placed her hands on her hips and bared her teeth at our hero. She was missing her front teeth, she had a few black teeth and a dentist would probably have a field day with trying to fix this woman's teeth – and with the gold he would get for it.

The shrieker, however, could care less about dentists. She had an intruder to take care of. She glared at Susan.

"Well?"

Susan blinked. Then, she pointed up at the ceiling.

"I saw that stuffed alligator hanging from the ceiling through the window and wanted to warn you that that particular decoration is illegal, ma'am."

-line-

**Boys…**

Jane looked up from her schoolwork. Her gaze located the staring boy she had caught staring at her, for a few times now.

And yes, he was looking at her. Again. Jane blushed and looked down to pretend to be busy with her schoolwork.

She didn't _really_ do something schoolwork-y, of course. She was thinking of the boy. Honestly, she didn't know him at all. But, as she stole a glance at the black-haired boy a few seats away from her, she had to admit he was rather handsome. Her heart fluttered when she caught him looking at her again.

Did he like her? Oh, she hoped so. He kept looking at her now – she turned her gaze down again. She never blushed like this… she would ask him out after class! Yes, she would do that. Jane nodded, smiled and concentrated on her schoolwork.

_*After class*_

Jane wanted her legs to stop shaking already – she needed them to _walk_, darned. If they didn't do their job she wouldn't get anywhere. She grabbed her courage and molded it into a leg-stabilizing mass. It worked.

She walked over to the boy – gracefully, she hoped – and smiled at him.

"Hello," she said cheerfully. "Ehm, I noticed you were looking at me. Did you… want something?"

Oh, shoot, she couldn't get the words out of her mouth! Thank goodness, it seemed like the boy knew what she wanted to say because he nodded. The words coming out of his mouth, however, told Jane exactly why her friends always complained about the stupidness of boys.

"Yes, I wanted to tell you you've got a smudge on your nose." He pointed at her nose. "Right there. That's it. Bye!" And he bounded off.

-line-

**Spiderman meets granny Jones**

Spiderman peeked into the house through the window and hopped through it as soon as he had opened it. He knew he had to be quick to get what he wanted – he jumped up, moved nimbly across the walls and up to the ceiling, holding on with his hands which were covered with the same stuff spiders used to be able to move on ceilings.

He looked down – and there was the ruby some of his enemies were after! It was resting on a purple cushion – the purple clashed horribly with the ruby's red appearance. Not that Spiderman had an opinion on the colors of things, for he was a man.

Spiderman let go of the ceiling and dropped down – he landed without a sound, strode over to the cushion and moved to pick up the ruby –

A door slammed open. Spiderman wheeled around, distracted by the sound and saw…! A grandma?

Spiderman blinked. Shrugging, he chose to ignore the old woman and turned around to pick up the ruby –

_WHACK!_

Spiderman fell over with a gigantic headache due to the wallop he'd received from the 'harmless old lady'. Eyes crossed with pain, he looked up at the grandma, who stood over him with a baseball bat.

"Spider!" she yelled, and Spiderman received another whack to the head. He blacked out, thank goodness for him.

And if you were wondering, Spiderman's enemies didn't get the ruby either – all of them got a wallop with the baseball bat, and granny Jones – that was the grandma's name – send them all running home, crying for their mama's.

-line-

'**Pascal and the pirate' / or 'Fashion statement?'**

Pascal looked up at the pirate in front of him. He frowned and cocked his head to the side.

The pirate stared back. He was probably curious why this young boy didn't seem scared at all.

"Why are ye not scared, lad?" the pirate asked in his gruff voice. "We pirates took over yer daddy's ship."

The boy blinked. "Am I supposed to be scared?"

The pirate frowned and waved his sword about, "Aye, ye are! I'm a pirate! Yer a wee laddie!"

Pascal blinked again.

"Sorry, I didn't know that," he said apologetically. "I'll try my hardest, sir!" Pascal pasted a very fake frightened expression on his face. Then, he smiled proudly at the pirate. "See?"

The pirate groaned and seemed to want to bang his forehead against a wall – or the mast.

Pascal didn't seem to notice, and happily continued talking.

"Your accent is funny."

The pirate scowled at Pascal. That didn't stop Pascal.

"And that eye patch is just ridiculous. In this modern society you can get a fake eye, you know! Unless…" Pascal glanced at the eye patch. "Are you just wearing that to make a fashion statement?"

-line-

**Not Your Typical Cursed Tomb Movie**

As a librarian of the Egyptian library, Jonathan Brooks obeyed the law. Always.

So, when two archeologists asked Jonathan where they could find clues on a papyrus scroll where to find an un-found pharaoh's tomb, Jonathan only asked if the two gentlemen asked for permission.

The two archeologists shared a glance and turned to Jonathan. One of them, an older gentleman named Terrence le Fever, started nodding. At the same time, his younger counterpart, a young man known by the name Mark Finder, shook his head no.

Jonathan stared. The two archeologists noticed their disagreeing answers and stopped shaking and nodding their heads respectively.

The older Mr. Le Fever glared at his younger apprentice – the young man looked down immediately – and Le Fever smiled at Jonathan.

"Of course we do!" he said, smiling. The smile would not have misfitted the smile underneath a gray fin that was stalking an oblivious swimmer, Jonathan thought.

"There are two possible courses of action for me, mister Le Fever and mister Finder," Jonathan started. "One… I can give you the scroll and will probably be bullied into coming along with you. That course of action will give me the chance to meet a very disgruntled mummy, because this particular tomb is cursed. The second course of action is me calling the police so they can arrest you."

The two archeologists stared – and then they bolted.

A few days later they were caught, put on trial and thrown into jail. The mummy's treasures and the mummy itself lived on in peace and Jonathan lived a long life, got married, became a father and a grandfather and always obeyed the law. The end.

-line-

**A Parody Of An Aftermath of The Nightmare Before Christmas**

"What's this?" Jack the Pumpkin King asked of the not-so-skeletal Santa, pointing at a random object.

Ever since they met and sort-of befriended each other, this was Jack's common – _over common_ question. Santa sighed and answered again.

"That's a candy cane, Jack."

"And what's that?"

It was so _difficult_ to stay good and jolly while being bombarded by Jack's silly questions… But Santa tried anyway.

"Hohoho, that's a sock, Jack! The little children put those above the fireplace and I put presents in them."

"What, you put presents _in the children?_"

Jack's grin was a little unsettling to Santa. Of course, it wasn't very difficult to grin if you were a skeleton.

"No, Jack," Santa said slowly. "I put the presents in the socks."

"Why, that's no fun at all!"

Santa sighed. As long as he pretended Jack was a curious toddler he would be fine, but this was going to be a _long_ day.

-line-

**A Parody of Alice: The White Rabbit**

"I'm late! I'm late!" a white rabbit cried, running like a madman – mad _rabbit_ – down the hallways. "I'm late, I'm so late!"

The rabbit turned a corner – and bumped into someone, bouncing back and landing flat on his butt. He felt himself being picked up and the one who he had bumped into slammed him into a wall. He found himself looking in the eyes of – an old, obviously blind lady?

"No running in my hallways, young man!" she croaked, staring at the white rabbit with her creepy pupil-less eyes.

She let go and the white rabbit tumbled to the ground. Then she hobbled off, muttering something along the lines of, 'the youth these days…'. The white rabbit stared after her, clambered to his feet and continued on his way – considerably slower than a few seconds ago.

-line-

**Fairy tales or scary tales / That poor witch!**

"Fairy tales are _scary_," young Mary whimpered. Her older brother glanced down at her while walking beside her.

"Why?"

"Take those Grimm people. They let two children kill an old lady!" Mary said.

"She was a witch, Mary," her older brother explained patiently.

"So?"

"Witches are evil. And they eat children."

"So? I eat apples. Those were alive one day _too_ and people don't call _me_ evil," Mary protested. Then she thought of the witch again. "Maybe she couldn't eat anything else…" she mused. "Poor old lady."

-line-

**Narrating the beginning**

_In the beginning there was nothing. No Earth, no life, no nothing –_

"Hey, narrator! That's a double negative!"

_- No double negatives and no annoying know-it-all voices. _

"Name's Ben."

_Shut up, Ben! I'm telling a story! Anyway, in the beginning there was nothing. Nothing at all. If some unimaginative people had been around that day, they would probably have called it the Nothingness. But they weren't, because there was no life, there was nothing._

"We get it. Can we go on with it?"

_There was also no duct-tape. There is now, so you might want to be careful, Ben. There was a terrible ghastly silence. There was a terrible ghastly noise, also known as the Big Bang, and there was something. _

"A part of that was from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, you little fraud!"

_There was no fraud in the beginning, Ben, and I'm telling about the beginning! Anyway, there was something. Mostly big rocks, space and heat. Long story short, a lot of those rocks clashed together, creating planets in just a few centuries or a few millennia. We don't know for sure, because we weren't there. _

"You weren't there! Ha! So why are _you_ the narrator?"

_The author gave me this job, it's not my choice! Author, I quit, it's too much for me!_

"…Did the narrator just run off to go cry in a corner…?"

-line-

**The girl and the dwarf… or the giantess and the man?**

"Hey you! Yeah, you! Watch where you put your feet!" a voice cried from just below Anne's knees. She didn't notice the source of the noise, apologized, glanced up and saw… nothing. "Down here, you towering giant!"

Startled, Anne looked down and saw a dwarf glaring up at her.

"Oh!" she said. "I didn't see you there, small man."

"What are you talking about?" the dwarf grunted. "You're the abnormal tall one here. I'm normal."

-line-

**Misery outlet**

"This class is misery!" Stephan whined, putting his head on his arms.

"Yeah!" his friend agreed. The two boys were sitting in the back of the class and were obviously _not_ enjoying this class in the least.

"Class," the teacher said suddenly. "I've just been told that we have a new student. Please welcome her."

The door opened and in stepped a teenage girl. She stopped on the doorstep and glanced at the faces that were staring at her.

Stephan, who possessed a sense of drama the size of Canada, sat up, pointed at the girl and cried dramatically, "Close the door! You're letting the misery out!"

-line-

**A/N: _Okay, done with this chapter. Go ahead, leave a review!_**


	6. Chapter 6

**The NOTES: Looking for inspiration**

**Written by: LM1991**

**The Vain Mirror  
><strong>

A black-haired woman who wore a fancy crown on her head, slowly and gracefully climbed up a staircase, turned left when having reached the next floor, and entered a room on her right.

Footsteps echoed over the marble and obviously expensive floor. The woman, royalty of some kind, let her feet lead her to a mirror that was hanging from a wall.

One could see their entire body in that mirror – if they stood a good distance away from it. It was – it was… a decently large-ish mirror.

The woman came to a standstill in front of the mirror, a controlled expression of trained calmness on her face. She looked up at it. Maybe it was a trick of the light that fell in through a window, but it seemed like there was a face in the mirror. One that didn't belong to the woman who was, maybe, a queen.

Or maybe it wasn't, because the face in the mirror actually moved its lips and said, "What is it you desire, my queen?"

Ignoring the unexpectedly talking mirror here, we must conclude that the woman is, indeed, a queen and the queen didn't seem surprised to be addressed by a talking mirror. Quite the opposite, really. She looked bored.

"To ask a question, Mirror," said the Queen. She took out a fan and fanned herself with it. "Am I pretty?"

The mirror chuckled. "Remember the tradition, your Majesty…"

The queen sighed. "Oh, why do you always say that? I will, for this once. Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

The mirror didn't waste a second and cried happily, "Me!"

"_What_?"

"Well, it's certainly not you, with your unpleasant character," said the mirror cheerfully. "And that Snow White is a little bit dumb. Letting herself get chased off by a woman such as yourself, HA! No, lady, look at me. I'm downright sparkling in the sun, happily glowing like a – a – well, a mirror. I am so pretty! You humans couldn't even try to compare to us mirrors."


	7. Chapter 7

**The NOTES: Looking for inspiration**

**Written by: LM1991**

LM1991 Productions presents:

**A Mostly Wacky Crossover**

**A crossover of the following fandoms:**

Doctor Who  
>Penguins of Madagascar<br>House MD

**STARRING:  
><strong>**(sorted by fandom in the order of the list listed above)**

*****The Hallucinogenic Lipstick*****

And its trusty sidekick:

*****River Song*****

With mentions of:

*****The TARDIS***  
>***The Doctor***<br>***The Companions: Amy and Rory*****

*****Skipper***  
>***Kowalski***<br>***Rico***  
>***Private***<strong>

And:

*****A Potato Chip*****

*****Dr. Gregory House*****

* * *

><p>A message to the reader:<p>

For extra reader enjoyment, the footnotes that will be included in this story will be in-between-notes instead. This so there will be no finding of a footnote starry thing, scrolling down, finding the footnote, reading it, scrolling back up, and not being able to find where you left off. This privilege is included for the small price of a review at the end of the chapter.  
>Thank you.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Without further ado; the story!<strong>

Skipper should have known the mission would end as a failure after a morning of bad luck. Normally he wasn't one for superstition*. (*He was, however, one for paranoia.) But he felt that what happened this morning and after would excuse every form of suspicion, glaring, and stamping of webbed feet.

First he lost his favorite mug.

Then Private's collection of sweets and weirdly shaped chips had been eaten by Rico, and Rico had refused to give it back*. (*Not that Skipper really cared about the collection, but young Private wouldn't stop pouting and that was something disturbing to have to watch for a whole month.)

After that, Kowalski had made their hidden stash of fish explode* (*also their TV, a hammer, a card house, and a bonsai tree) with his tinkering.

Looking at it that way, it had been Kowalski's fault that they had to get a new stash of secret hidden fish. Meaning it was also his fault they had been almost caught by Alice, fell through an open man hole escaping her, landed on the Rat King and his subjects, were chased out into a dog shelter, and made it to the warehouse with a couple of feathers and a whole lot of dignity missing.

Private had been the one to spot the huge box full of fish first, and he had belly-slid towards it, followed by the others.

The younger bird had reached the box first, and that was when it happened.

Above them, a window on the ceiling was opened up and a human woman with mad curls, wearing black and hanging from a rope descended down, down, down, until she was level with the box. She hooked two hooks connected to her rope to two metal handles connected to the box, then spotted Private who had his flipper against the box, snatched him up, pressed her lips to his beak, put him back on the ground, and she, the rope and the box were up and gone before they could do anything but blink stupidly and stare*.

(*River Song didn't know why there were penguins in the warehouse, but she'd seen stranger things. She also didn't know what the Doctor wanted a big box full of fish for, but she suspected it would be great. River did not know it yet, but spoilers for this adventure would include:  
>The fish in the box being resurrected, the fish of the box naming Amy their queen because her hair was pretty, Cybermen, the Cybermen turning the fishes into Cyberfish, the Cyberfish starting a revolution against Queen Amy With The Pretty Hair, Rory dying and coming back to life, chases, madness, and the Doctor wondering what he wanted the big box full of fish for in the first place.)<p>

Rico came to his senses first. Actually he came to his shock first, and burped up a potato chip that landed on Private's chest, where it stayed since Private had fallen over.

Then they watched as Private grinned stupidly, picked up the potato chip, and started kissing it, declaring his love for it in-between pecks.

This had been alarming enough for the three older penguins to declare the mission failed, let the woman get away with their box of fish, and go back to the HQ.

Now here they were, with Skipper, Kowalski and Rico surrounding Private and his potato chip bride. Yes, seriously. The potato chip was wearing a mini wedding dress, Private was beaming, and the other penguins were disturbed to say the least.

Kowalski built a big laser-like thing to turn Private back to normal, then mentioned the HQ was too small for it and that he needed to get some parts he needed in the nearest hospital. That had them going back and forth between the HQ and the hospital of their choice, carting the hundreds of parts of the laser-thing (and Private with his potato chip bride, they couldn't leave them without a chaperone after all) to a room with blinds, closed those blinds, and rebuilt the laser.

The laser turned out to be faulty. Instead of turning Private back into his candy-and-Lunacorns-loving self, it turned him into a power-mad boxer, and he proceeded to try to beat up his seniors.

This resulted in a big pile of fighting penguins, the poor potato chip lying forgotten in a corner, and the laser standing innocently in the middle of the room like it hadn't just mucked everything up.

The penguins were so busy trying to A) be a boxer B) fight back and be more awesome C) get away and save the laser and D) babbling gibberish at the mad boxer-penguin* (*you can probably guess who does what) that they didn't notice they'd forgotten to lock the door until it opened and a soft, low voice said from the doorway,

"Stop that."

That had them frozen for a couple of seconds, lifting their heads to stare at the person who now limped in, scowling, heavily leaning on a cane with flames running up the sides.

Dr. Gregory House completely ignored the weird scene of four fighting penguins (and a potato chip in a corner) and strode* (*limped quickly) over to the laser. The penguins stared (except Private, who was in fact trying to be a boxer some more, but was being held down by Rico).

The sexiest man in the hospital* (*his own words, not mine) poked his cane at the laser for a bit, waved his hand, mumbled something intelligent, and rearranged one wire. Then he pushed a blue button on the side of the laser, which shot a red light at Private, who was miraculously in the exact same spot he had been in since the laser had turned him into a second Mike Tyson.

It hit him, and Private blinked a bit before he said quite cutely, "Did I miss anything, Skippah?" Then he noticed he was being held down. "Um?"

Kowalski stared at the back of Dr. House* (*who was now leaving the hospital room, having decided after his rescue that was actually not too different from coming up with a brilliant way of curing people, that he'd keep his mouth shut about this for fear of Cuddy taking away his painkillers) like he'd just met his mirror image in the man.

And it all ended with Private pouting some more after being told he'd almost been married to a potato chip.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: **__I dreamed one part of this, and just came up with the rest. Come on, if you wake up halfway through a dream, giggle, mumble, "Noooooo," and then fall back asleep, and you can remember it the following morning, you want to write it down and see what you get. I liked it so much I had to post it. Please review!_


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